It Was a Pitiful Cry for Help

"And then they said it was all because of my 'Shine On Rays' bumper sticker"

Before she faked her assault and tried to incite a lynch mob to hunt down an imaginary blackity-black black dude, card-carrying college republican Ashley Todd, 20, of Texas claimed late last Sunday night that several angry Red Sox fans pulled her out of her car while she was sitting at a stoplight on Boylston Street, near the corner of Arlington, dragged her to the steps of the Bull and Finch Pub, best known as the inspiration for the popular 90's television show, Cheers, threatened her with several 42-ounce Louisville Slugger baseball bats autographed by David 'Big Papi' Ortiz, broke her glasses, and branded the Boston team's logo on her forehead.

"Her story changed several times," said Boston Police Detective Shawn Hennesey. "Though she claimed to have been singled out because she said she was an avid Tampa Bay fan, we became suspicious when she insisted that the Sox starting lineup included Paul Pierce, Tom Brady, Cam Neely, and Tom Menino."

After being released with a stern admonition to "cut the shit," it appears that Todd left Boston and drove straight through to Pittsburgh via Crazytown.