Thursday, March 26, 2009

George W. Bush Miserable Death Watch – Day 65

Breaking - George W. Bush not yet reported dead.

I first predicted that this worthless sack of shit would kill himself with alcohol, then revised it slightly to predict a number of alcohol-related ways he’d die.

I’m standing by my prognostications, and am now going on record with specifics:
  • George W. Bush will be dead within five (5) years of leaving office
  • His death will be self-inflicted and alcohol-related

For the purposes of calculation, the George W. Bush Miserable Death Watch start date was January 20, 2009. The “deadline” for my prediction is January 19, 2014. I’ve calculated 1826 total days in that interim, based on (5 x 365 days) + 1 additional day for 2012 (Leap Year). That makes today Day #65. Please synchronize your calendars…NOW.

There’s a pretty broad range of alcohol-related causes of death in the catalog. I’m also hedging slightly with regard to how George W. Bush’s death will be by his own hand, and while a straight-ahead suicide is not out of the question, it’s more likely that George W. Bush will simply let himself go to shit, stay drunk most of the time, and end up dying miserably in such a way that both the booze and his personal responsibility are obvious to all.

I hope to interview a pathologist at some point, in order to share with you the professional consensus opinion on exactly what findings would be needed at autopsy to make these determinations.

There may also be an old episode of Law and Order out there that could shed some light on the matter. If you find the appropriate scene on YouTube, please send me the link. I’ll embed it and give you full credit. Instant fame.

Until then, here’s the start of a working list of the possible forms that FratBoy’s final exit could take. Please add any that I’ve missed in the comments section, and I’ll be sure to update the list as we move forward.

Acute alcohol poisoning

Alcohol-related traffic/motor vehicle death

  • DWI
  • Being struck by another drunk driver who made the first move
  • Being struck as a drunk pedestrian by a sober driver after staggering into traffic
  • Being struck by a sober driver while standing in the middle of the road, in the middle of the night, drunk and naked
  • Being struck by a sober driver after running out into the middle of the road, naked and drunk, in the middle of the night
  • Smacking his three-wheel off-road mud runner into a tree while not wearing a helmet, drunk
  • Driving his three-wheel off-road mud runner into a strand of neck-high barbed wire at high speed while wearing a helmet not designed for neck protection, drunk

Alcohol-related accident in the home

  • Drowning in the bathtub, drunk
  • Drowning in the shower while standing asleep, drunk, mouth wide open
  • Falling down a flight of stairs, drunk
  • Falling down from a standing position, drunk
  • Falling off a chair or other piece of furniture, drunk
  • Falling off a ladder, drunk
  • Falling out of a window or off the roof, drunk
  • Falling in the shower or bathtub, drunk
  • Sitting in the bathtub and attempting to change stations on the radio always kept perched on the edge for company, drunk

Alcohol-related accident out of the home

  • Falling out of a window or off of the roof, front porch, back porch or pool deck of a cheap motel in Waco, drunk
  • Falling off a barstool, drunk

Alcohol-related assault

  • Getting cracked on the head with a pool cue after starting a fight with a biker in a bar, drunk
  • Getting cracked on the head with a heavy vase in his parents’ living room after pushing Barbara one time too many, drunk
  • Falling down the stairs at home, drunk, after being pushed by Laura


  • Choking on his own vomit
  • Liver failure due to alcoholic cirrhosis
  • Acute pancreatitis

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

It's What Wingnuts Do

They only throw it when they're not eating it

So, I'm poking through the g-list wingnut sites (even added a coupla new ones to my blogroll) when I come across this little doozy from one of my favorites:
Sen. Judd Gregg gave a scary-yet-accurate picture of what America’s fiscal outlook will look like blah blah blah scary black negro president blah blah blah socialist teleprompters fart (snip) Folks, this is from the guy Obama first nominated to be our Treasury Secretary.

Uhm....that's not quite right, sweetie.

But, c'mon, seriously - Treasury, Commerce...who cares? It's still all about money and shit, right?

Meanwhile, the usual half-wits have been too busy with such run-on sentences insightful comments as "This is what happens when you have hippies from the 60’s, who become economic advisors, and druggies form the 70’s, both who never learned how good morals and ethics in a society and the importance of the economic wheels creat a profitable opportunity for people and businesses to grow, running your country." to notice call attention to such a basic factual error.

I think Sparkie's lil' buddy, Dewey, said it best:
Smartest thing he's EVER did was to turn that job down.

Hanx to LOLFed for teh awesome graphic

Friday, March 13, 2009

Monday, March 2, 2009

Rightwingsparkle: Runnin' With the Big Dogs

Rightwingsparkle observes the first Friday of Lent
with a Dirty Sanchez and a Dirty Martini

Well, it looks like our little lady might just be earning herself a sinecure on the wingnut welfare gravy train, having just returned from this year's howlfest. I mean, how else to explain a junket whose costs include rountrip airfare from Houston to Washington, DC; several nights at the Omni Shoreham Hotel; and all the mini-quiches and gin that you can stuff down your throat in 48 hours?

Sparkie's either collecting subsidies for her shitty little blog, picking up some extra on the side, or has an allowance any other pampered housewife with too much time on her hands might kill for.