Thursday, March 26, 2009

George W. Bush Miserable Death Watch – Day 65

Breaking - George W. Bush not yet reported dead.

I first predicted that this worthless sack of shit would kill himself with alcohol, then revised it slightly to predict a number of alcohol-related ways he’d die.

I’m standing by my prognostications, and am now going on record with specifics:
  • George W. Bush will be dead within five (5) years of leaving office
  • His death will be self-inflicted and alcohol-related

For the purposes of calculation, the George W. Bush Miserable Death Watch start date was January 20, 2009. The “deadline” for my prediction is January 19, 2014. I’ve calculated 1826 total days in that interim, based on (5 x 365 days) + 1 additional day for 2012 (Leap Year). That makes today Day #65. Please synchronize your calendars…NOW.

There’s a pretty broad range of alcohol-related causes of death in the catalog. I’m also hedging slightly with regard to how George W. Bush’s death will be by his own hand, and while a straight-ahead suicide is not out of the question, it’s more likely that George W. Bush will simply let himself go to shit, stay drunk most of the time, and end up dying miserably in such a way that both the booze and his personal responsibility are obvious to all.

I hope to interview a pathologist at some point, in order to share with you the professional consensus opinion on exactly what findings would be needed at autopsy to make these determinations.

There may also be an old episode of Law and Order out there that could shed some light on the matter. If you find the appropriate scene on YouTube, please send me the link. I’ll embed it and give you full credit. Instant fame.

Until then, here’s the start of a working list of the possible forms that FratBoy’s final exit could take. Please add any that I’ve missed in the comments section, and I’ll be sure to update the list as we move forward.

Acute alcohol poisoning

Alcohol-related traffic/motor vehicle death

  • DWI
  • Being struck by another drunk driver who made the first move
  • Being struck as a drunk pedestrian by a sober driver after staggering into traffic
  • Being struck by a sober driver while standing in the middle of the road, in the middle of the night, drunk and naked
  • Being struck by a sober driver after running out into the middle of the road, naked and drunk, in the middle of the night
  • Smacking his three-wheel off-road mud runner into a tree while not wearing a helmet, drunk
  • Driving his three-wheel off-road mud runner into a strand of neck-high barbed wire at high speed while wearing a helmet not designed for neck protection, drunk

Alcohol-related accident in the home

  • Drowning in the bathtub, drunk
  • Drowning in the shower while standing asleep, drunk, mouth wide open
  • Falling down a flight of stairs, drunk
  • Falling down from a standing position, drunk
  • Falling off a chair or other piece of furniture, drunk
  • Falling off a ladder, drunk
  • Falling out of a window or off the roof, drunk
  • Falling in the shower or bathtub, drunk
  • Sitting in the bathtub and attempting to change stations on the radio always kept perched on the edge for company, drunk

Alcohol-related accident out of the home

  • Falling out of a window or off of the roof, front porch, back porch or pool deck of a cheap motel in Waco, drunk
  • Falling off a barstool, drunk

Alcohol-related assault

  • Getting cracked on the head with a pool cue after starting a fight with a biker in a bar, drunk
  • Getting cracked on the head with a heavy vase in his parents’ living room after pushing Barbara one time too many, drunk
  • Falling down the stairs at home, drunk, after being pushed by Laura

Other

  • Choking on his own vomit
  • Liver failure due to alcoholic cirrhosis
  • Acute pancreatitis

10 comments:

Righteous Bubba said...

Someone says "Hey George, what time is it?" and he tips his over-watered scotch into the Official White House Toaster he's fiddling with, thus electrocuting him.

Rightwingsnarkle said...

over-watered scotch

Over-watered?!? The dude doesn't even bother with ice.

Righteous Bubba said...

Well, alcohol's not a good conductor so I hadda make it work somehow...

Rightwingsnarkle said...

D'oh! I'm electrically ignorant.

Monkay said...

As a recovering alcoholic (and child of alcoholic parents) I have issues about this area . . . and that was funny.

One Fly said...

Waiting patiently I am.

merlallen said...

1/19/14 will be my 55th birthday.
Thanks for the present chickengeorge!!

Johnny Pez said...

You ought to send this one in to Carnival of the Liberals. I hear the guy hosting it this fortnight has a weakness for teh funny.

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